Origins and Inspirations
Posted 9/16/2026, in progress as of 9/17/2026.
Fiction is a way to process and creatively interact with the real world. With respect to my complicated Baldur's Gate 3 fanfiction (a story that has no name and barely if at all involves the plot of the game), let's get into where it all started, where my inspiration comes from, and why I build the world and write about it the way I do.
I wish I could say there was an interesting story and deep thought behind the initial design of the brothers, but there isn't. (Well, maybe there is if you're plural. Or fictionkin. Okay, if you are, this next part will probably be funny and you'll likely figure out what happened.)
It was the Summer of 2025, and I was home alone, sick in bed for a week straight, doing fuck all else but playing Baldur's Gate 3 and watching exclusively British minecraft youtubers. There was no one else around, and I wasn't going outside to talk to anyone. So I got stuck with a British accent. Any time I talked to myself: British accent. Not, like, a terribly real one, mind you. A hodgepodged fantasy setting version of one approximated by my twisted mind.
Recently I'd discussed with my bff and had the idea to start my first BG3 dark urge playthrough as a deep gnome. ('cus, I never see anyone play as a gnome!) I had him in mind already:
This was our intrepid adventurer: the infamous asshole butch deep gnome, Gamble Snuffbait. (Because gnomes are always named some bullshit.)
'Course, then there's the issue: You gotta make a guardian.
I played around with the character creator until I made a pretty guy. That's all I can say about that. Why this appearance called to me, the jury is out.
I thought, what's his beef? What's Gamble's deal? Why would someone who exists in Gamble's dreams to gain his trust be this guy?
Enter stage left: Abaddon Sandolphon.
'Cus Gamble killed him and is stewing in his lingering guilt, that's why.
And just about as suddenly as those seeds were planted, I thought: That can't be it. This guy has a brother. An identical twin brother. And he's coming to hunt Gamble down.
Enter stage right: Abaddon Metatron.
The idea was this: Gamble befriended Sandolphon, then betrayed and murdered him. Gamble skipped town, leaving Sandolphon's grieving family to pick up the pieces. What he didn't know was that Sandolphon was survived by an identical twin sibling, who was coming after him. I wanted it to be a surprise, so that when the surviving sibling finally tracked him down, Gamble somehow thought Sandolphon had come back to life to haunt him. (This was the explanation for the guardian appearances outside of dreams.)
I had it in my head that Sandolphon wasn't trans, but he wasn't completely disconnected from any self-exploration with his gender identity either. His brother, however, was trans. Something arbitrarily decided by my brain. A story will do that sometimes. It makes the choices for you, and you've got to run with it.
How could it be, then, that one sibling was trans, the other wasn't, both were brothers, and identical twins?
Enter stage left:
They're intersex.
And it is, in this case directly relevant to the story. Because this story is one about upbringing, family, and forging your own identity. As it came to write itself, the Abaddon brothers' lives were set down their respective paths because they were intersex.
I'd talk more at length about this in a later blog post. For now, I'll give you the short version: The brothers are identical twins with the same intersex variation. For the first few years of their lives, their doctors and parents were uncertain about their sex. Around 3, their parents settled on a (ye olde) pediatric specialist who told them one child was "really a boy" and the other was "really a girl", instructing them to raise them accordingly. This is how their parents proceeded--Sandolphon was raised as a boy, and Metatron as a girl. This was a rocky existence, particularly as they went through puberty and their parents scrambled for an explanation that wouldn't threaten the supposedly innate nature of the sex binary and gender roles they strictly raised them with. Sandolphon was confident in his identity as a man, while Metatron felt no connection to womanhood. Only after Sandolphon died did he piece together how he felt about his identity and openly declare he would be a man by his own hand.
I don't go out of my way to specify the diagnosis their variation would get them in the modern day--Partially because I don't think they'd have the same highly specified distinctions in Faerun, partially because the brothers wouldn't have been clearly informed of this, and partially because neither they nor their doctors have "figured out" every detail of their variation. It's not often that cut and dried and extensively documented in medical records in real life. I do have an answer, however, as an author, in order to write their experiences and physiology with some consistent logic.
There's a heaping dose of projection in this, and parallels. And at times, moments taken directly from my life. I think it's impossible to write a story that has no elements of your own experience embedded into it whatsoever. Your worldview informs your writing. But I'm not here to write an autobiography [A/N: headmates beg to differ], I'm here to write fiction, and be transformative with it.
Enter stage left: the other stuff.
I love this lineup. Out of Baldur's Gate 3, Dear Evan Hansen, and Sinners (2025), I don't think you could pick three things more different. There's a lot behind all of these, so let's unpack the biggest inspiration first. No, not BG3. Dear Evan Hansen.
Dear Evan Hansen (referring to the musical here) is about high schooler Evan Hansen, who, due to a complicated misunderstanding, ends up fabricating an increasingly dramatic series of lies around the idea that he was incredibly close with Connor Murphy, a classmate who recently died by suicide.
This is a musical beloved by some, hated by others, and discussed extensively with nuance by youtubers in 1hr+ video essays, much to my excitement. Before I continue to break this down, it's important to know something crucial about me: I love things that are low key kind of ass.
If you love Dear Evan Hansen, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you "ohhh it's so baaaad." [A/N: my headmate loves it, completely, totally.] I think it has a premise with a ton of potential, but it misses the mark with tone and execution, creating a final product that is itself not very effective and falls flat on its messaging. However: That product, with all its flaws, is INCREDIBLY INTERESTING TO UNPACK. There are so many elements of it that make me think "this would be so good if it was good."
Something I think Dear Evan Hansen sets up so interestingly is the concept of the dead character who haunts the narrative but has no agency, and is puppetted around by everyone else through the way they talk about and propagandize them. Connor is dead--we will never know what he truly thought, how he truly felt, who he truly was internally. We can only know him through the way others percieved him, and anything else, we can only speculate on. Through Evan's role, he shapes the truth by speculating and developing who Connor was through his lies. If enough people believe it to be true, is it?
My BG3 fanfiction is a story about a 25-year-old tiefling, Abaddon Metatron--a deeply anxious, lonely, and self-destructive man whose identical twin brother Abaddon Sandolphon was horrifically murdered 18 months prior. In the wake of Sandolphon's death, Metatron has spiraled deep into grief, and seeks revenge on the killer, Gamble Snuffbait. He travels the sword coast hunting down Gamble and spreading word of his brother. As he travels and meets people, his sordid tale turns into gospel. Exaggerations and white lies pile up into grand stories. Sandolphon is transformed into a martyr, and Metatron learns that tragedy brings him attention. His retellings become wild fantasies that are made real and preserved by his growing audience. The desire to enshrine the fantasy of his brother forever becomes an overwhelming, unstoppable tide, and the sword of Damocles dangles precariously over his head.
It's like, uh, how stories do a modern retelling of a Shakespeare play. Mm, more like how House M.D. is Sherlock. And you can't take it too seriously. But there's more, more than just the initial premise.
We can't forget about Gamble.
Metatron does achieve what was supposedly his goal: He finds Gamble and confronts him. He is set to kill him. But he just can't bring himself to do it. He's got too much of a big stupid heart to do it. And unfortunately for Metatron, the only thing Gamble loves more than pushing his luck and looking a gift horse in the mouth is a lolcow. And Metatron is a prize-winning heifer.
Yessir, Gamble has a "dark sense of humor", and Metatron never learned not to feed the trolls. Ashamed of his cowardice, Metatron instead resigns himself to question Gamble deeply on every aspect of his brother's life. Before the murder, Gamble and Sandolphon were incredibly close, and supposedly, Gamble saw a side of Sandolphon that was unknown to him. Well, Gamble, ever the stand-up comedian, is happy to improvise. Indeed, we have our Jared.
Enter my annotated notes of Sincerely Me. Framed as conversations between Sandolphon and Metatron, as portrayed by Gamble and Metatron.
Gamble (playing Sandolphon speaking to Metatron):
Dear [Abaddon Metatron]
We've been way too out of touch
Things have been crazy
And it sucks that we don't talk that much
But I should tell you that I think of you each night
I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight
Metatron:
Why would you write that?
Gamble:
I'm just trying to tell the truth.
Starting off boldly. My gods, is it ever a perfect representation of Gamble's humor and dynamic with Metatron.
Metatron (playing himself speaking to Sandolphon):
I like [our] parents
Gamble:
Who says that?
Metatron (playing himself speaking to Sandolphon):
I love [our] parents
But each day's another fight
If I stop smoking drugs
Then everything might be alright
Gamble:
Smoking drugs?
Metatron:
Just fix it!
Gamble (playing Metatron speaking to Sandolphon):
If I stop smoking crack
Metatron:
Crack?!
Metatron (playing himself speaking to Sandolphon):
If I stop smoking pot
Then everything might be alright
I'll take your advice
I'll try to be more nice
I'll turn it around
Wait and see
It's true, their parental relationship is very strained, particularly on Metatron's end. Metatron is also a heavy drug user. He probably has smoked baldur's gate crack. Weed and psychedelics are more his style, though.
Metatron (playing Sandolphon speaking to him):
Dear [Abaddon Metatron],
Yes, I also miss our talks
Stop doing drugs
Just try to take deep breaths and go on walks
Gamble:
No.
Metatron (playing Sandolphon speaking to him):
I'm sending pictures of the most amazing trees
Gamble:
No!
Metatron (playing Sandolphon speaking to him):
You'll be obsessed with all my forest expertise
Gamble:
Absolutely not.
Metatron (playing Sandolphon speaking to him):
Dude, I'm proud of you
Just keep pushing through
You're turning around
I can see
Metatron:
Just wait and see!
Metatron and Gamble (playing Sandolphon speaking to Metatron):
'Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention
It's easy to change if you give it your attention
All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you want to be
Sincerely, Me
Gamble (playing Sandolphon):
My sister's hot
Metatron:
What the hell?!
Gamble:
My bad.
...we'll revisit this. Sandolphon probably would have called Metatron his sister, given that Metatron didn't come out until after he had been murdered.
Gamble (playing Sandolphon speaking to Metatron):
Dear [Abaddon Metatron],
Thanks for every note you send
Metatron (playing himself speaking to Sandolphon):
Dear [Abaddon Sandolphon],
I'm just glad to be your friend
Metatron and Gamble (playing Sandolphon speaking to Metatron):
Our friendship goes beyond
Your average kind of bond
Metatron (unprompted and a little too defensively):
But not because we're gay!
Gamble (playing Sandolphon speaking to Metatron):
No, not because we're gay
Metatron:
We're close, but not that way
The only man that I love is my dad
Well anyway!
Gamble (playing Sandolphon speaking to Metatron):
You're getting better every day
Metatron (playing himself speaking to Sandolphon):
I'm getting better every day
Metatron (playing Sandolphon speaking to him):
Keep getting better every day
Now we don't have time to unpack all of that.
Metatron and Gamble (playing Sandolphon speaking to Metatron):
'Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention
It's easy to change if you give it your attention
All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you want to be
Sincerely,
Metatron (to Sandolphon):
Miss you dearly
Sincerely, Me
My gods, if I went through every song in the musical that lines up, this post would go on forever. We haven't even gotten out of Dear Evan Hansen territory yet, there's still Sinners (2025) and the Deep South to get to. Maybe the other songs will have to be a separate post. The IED that is If I Could Tell Her is a whole... deal. A deal. To unpack. Let's severely understate it as that.
What you need to know is that this story follows the plot of Dear Evan Hansen. We have not exhausted all the parallels yet, far from it, but, oh my gods that's going to take forever to talk about. Let's move on to the next part.
still working on this blog post, lol. this is really long. come back later when it's finished? -M